Back in black
by Bardiel the 13th
Summary: I redid this cause the first chapters were horribly written.Slight changes to most chapters.
1. It's only a bad dream!

**Disclaimer:I do not own NGE.**

A/N:Yeah I redid this cause' most of the chapters were gay.

**During EoE**

"The sight before him was horrible, Asuka died, the MP evas broke her entry plug when they were devouring unit 02.Rei managed to grow to planetary proporsions and Kaoru somehow split away from Rei's body.Everything was consumed by the black moon no one was left besides the huge Rei, Kaoru, and Shinji himself.Kaoru slowly started to wrap his hands around unit 01 and the lance was pointed at unit 01's throat, an S2 engine popped out of unit 01's chest and the lance positioned itself infront of the S2 engine ready to unite with it.Shinji had had enough he couldn't give up his physical life to "evolve" into a higher being, so he did the one thing he's good at, he ran away.He pushed his eva to run faster, and faster it ran until he couldn't see the angels anymore.He stopped and cryed, cryed for his friends, family, and his love who died a long with the 16th angel"

(How could he lose the angels if they were so big?Well when he ran away both angels separated and shrunk to human size to look for him.Why did they shrink?Well they wanted him alive so being so big would make them most likely to step on him)

Oh god, why?Why me?Why my friends and family?What did they do?Answer me!What did they fucking do!?You bastard, there is no god, you don't deserve that title anymore and you never will again, Shinji was now alone and couldn't stand it so before the angels found him he was going to get some brain food...information.

"Shinji had stopped crying and went in the direction of the former NERV central dogma, he wanted answers and nobody else had them, the only ones that could provide answers was that of who's body consisted of three super computers, the Magi.The Magi were still operational so he easily down loaded all the information he wanted and disregarded the info he already knew.He used the codes that were inside one of the Magi, which one it was he didn't care to find out he just took every piece of info that mattered.

**2 Hours later **

Man i'm bored, but i'm almost done.

**A few minutes later **

"Shinji was learning everything Adam in his father's hand, Rei being an unclasified angel, Lilith's legs inside unit 01, Seele's plans, Kaoru's origins, his mother's accident, the dead sea scrolls, and he was learning it all in detail everything was explained how Adam got there, how Rei was made, and everything else"

How...how could those monsters do this to us it's horrible, making our lives misarable for their own illogical reasons that were destined to fail horribly.I wonder what would've happened if we knew this at the start...no one can alter the past in anyway at all.

"Shinji was almost finished with the files, he had been at it for hours and hours non stop, reading every piece of detailed info he could find.He needed to read about how the evas were made and from what metal their armor was made of, and also about the positron rifle and what metal it was made from.It was interesting to Shinji that for some reason the rifle could be made into a hand gun and still deliver a beam similar to Ramiel's partical beam"

Interesting, the metal used on the rifle is much stronger and lighter that the Eva's bulky heavy armor.Maybe if Dr.Akagi could've built a positron rifle in the mouth of the eva we could've blown everything away, said Shinji as he nearly finished reading the files.

**1 Hour later **

"Shinji was dreading this moment, he had completed his last wish and now he had only one choise left, to become one with Rei or Kaoru.Why did he have to unite with one of the angels?Because there was nothing else to do besides live on the run and die alone.Shinji made his way out of the rubble and stood on the surface.The sky and the Earth were still red in color.In order to get the angel's attencion he destroyed everything around him to make noise.As soon as the noise stopped the angels appeared in seconds"

There, i'm ready.I'll unite with you Rei, said Shinji through the external speakers.

"Rei/Lilith slowly merged with unit 01(Shinji decided to also take unit 01 because his mother's soul was in it).Veins appeared on Shinji's body similar to those of corruption, but these didn't hurt the only pain was in his chest it felt like if something rapidly grew inside next to his heart.He was sure he just grew a small S2 core.Kaoru wasn't happy he wanted to merge with Shinji too so he decided to do it out of Rei/Lilith's sight.Kaoru's arms slowly sunk into unit 01's leg"

Ahhh!What the hell?What's happening?

"Shinji felt horrible pain on his chest, he was sure the small S2 core in him just grew more than double it's size.But something wasn't right,the veins that covered him now grew to a painful size.A small black dot appeared on unit 01's chest that kept growing and growing.Outside the eva Rei/Lilith yelled with pain she couldn't get away she was stuck on the eva and was continuing merge,on the other side Kaoru was panting hard trying to escape the eva as well but to no avail.Everything and everyone was being sucked into the little black hole.Shinji passed out and dreamt nothing.Rei/Lilith and Kaoru were forcefuly puled away from unit 01's body which meant their bodies were ripped away from their limbs...nothing remained"

**Somewhere? **

Shinji!Wake up Shinji!It's only a bad dream!Shinji wake up!

Uh my head...Huh, only a dream.That was way to real to be a...un...uncle?Is..is that you?, Shinji couldn't belive his eyes his uncle was right infront of him.

Yes Shinji it's me.Who else could it be?Some beautiful purple haired woman with huge breasts?Yeah right.Like that'll ever happen.

Uncle how..how old am I?And...and what year is it?, asked Shinji while shaking, if he was right he was either dreaming or sent back in time.If he was in the past that could be explained.It is said that worm holes are openings to other dimensions and if he sucked into it this must be a dimension were he still lived with his uncle.

Shinji what happened to you?Did you forget already?You're eight years old and it's the year 2009, said his uncle with a look of worry on his face.Shinji why don't you go and wash your face it's already six in the morning anyway.

Yeah, okay I think I need it.Shinji was correct he was in another dimension.He quickly made his way to his old restroom.When he got there he nearly shit himself, he didn't see a brown haired blue eyed boy, instead he saw a whitening brown hair, blue eyes that were quickly turning red, and paleling skin.

Uh oh, i'm...i'm an angel like..like Rei or Kaoru.Oh no, if my uncle sees me like this he'll freak out I better do something.

"He remembered that Kaoru could manipulate his A.T.field to fly,and change his sync at will.So maybe he could use his A.T.field(if any)to change his appearance so it could look normal again, but after a few minutes of consentrating he had done it his appearance was back to normal"

How am I going to go on in this life?I better get ready for school...

A/N:...Yes...


	2. Shinji leaned over and kissed

**Disclaimer:I do not own NGE.**

**2 Years later **

Hey Shinji!I'm going to Tokyo-3 to pick up the old grandfather clock I sent to get repaired!Will you be okay here by your self?, asked Shinji's uncle who was already out side starting his car.

Hey, I want to go too.Wait up.

"It has been two years since Shinji discovered he was an angel and he was having the time of his life.Being an eight year old child with a jr.high education was awsome always correcting teachers and proving people wrong.And because of it he is now in high school at ten years old, he was pretty sure he'd get to go to college before his father called for him.Yep that was great and now he had a chance to go to Tokyo-3 and look around sooner than he thought"

You sure you want to go?

Yeah, I do want to go.Besides you could drop me off at some small shop until you get the clock, i'm old enough and smart enough to take care of myself you know,said Shinji, he really wanted to be in the city alone.

Alright, but if you get lost or kidnapped i'm not going to go back for you mister smarty pants, said his uncle jokingly as they drove to the city.

**A few hours later **

Ah, finally were here, said Shinji's uncle pointing at the huge city called Tokyo-3.You said you wanted me to drop you off at a small shop right?

Yes.

Well how about that small ice cream shop over there?

Sure why not that shop seems okay enough, replied Shinji.

_Tokyo-3 looks different, it must be cause it's not done yet, and if that's the case then there'll be nothing to see_, thought Shinji as his uncle stopped at the shop.

Here some money Shinji, and be very careful okay i'll be back in a three to four minutes the repair shop is just on the other side of the street so if there's any trouble look for me there.

Okay, i'll be fine don't worry,and thanks for the money, said Shinji as he headed into the ice cream shop.

"Shinji was unaware that there was someone he knew in the shop, nor did he know that that person had been watching him with interest.Shinji sat on one of the stools and ordered a small strawberry ice cream cone(he wasnt very hungry)which he quickly ate.Shinji sat there looking around the shop until he caught sight of someone looking at him, such as said person was now walking towards him"

Oh...oh my godess, Shinji was shaking.

Hello, the person now adressed to Shinji.

My name is Ayanami Rei, how are you today, Rei didn't know why but ever since she saw him through the window she wanted to talk with him.The commander would be back any minute and he had told her to stay put and not to talk to anybody.

"Now, Shinji knew better than to reveal his identity to Rei, he also knew that at this stage Rei was still being taught that feelings and relations of any kind were irrelevent.So that meant she still was a person with feelings and because of that her feelings caused her to talk to him"

Hello Rei, I'm fine today thank's for asking.

I...I don't even know why I stood up, said Rei in a quiet voice.

Uh...okay?...You look very pretty Rei, I like how unique your hair and eye color is.They blend together perectly with you skin color, Shinji wanted to get her before he left so when they meet again she'll be his girlfriend, or something similar like a close friend.

Unexpactantly Shinji leaned over and kissed Rei's cheek.He could see his uncle coming back, so he had to hurry.

Rei i've got to leave now okay, I promise i'll be back in a few years, but you must promise not to tell anyone about me cause' if you do i'll never return.

"He was right if his father ever knew he kissed Rei in this stage he'll probably put a hit on his head, and kill this Rei"

But...but I don't even know your name, how will I recognize you when you come back, said Rei as tears started to swell up in her eyes.

Hmm, alright.I'll defenatly recognize you, so i'll remind you if I see you.

Okay, said Rei as she calmed down.(Remember, Rei is still not totally angsty yet)

Good bye, said Rei as Shinji walked away.

Good bye Rei i'll be back soon okay, Shinji was already heading to his uncle's car.

Okay, repeated the not fully develpoed Rei as she returned to the her seat by the window._I belive I like sitting by windows_, thought Rei.

**1 Minute later **

So Shinji who was that girl, uh?Is she your girlfriend, said Shinji's uncle with a smile.

Not yet uncle, but soon very soon.

Ha ha!My little Shinji is growing up!

Naw...i'm still a kid.Besides, uncle?When did you get a grandfather clock?

Stop calling me uncle.My name is-

A/N:...Yes...


	3. How to find your G spot, NERV edition?

**Disclaimer:I do not own NGE.**

**4 Years later **

We present this college degree to our youngest science major, Mr.Ikari Shinji!Come up here lad.

"Shinji was at his graduation day, he was correct he did pass college before he was called to NERV.Good thing too, cause' today was the day the letter came.Shinji made his way to the stand to accept his diploma"

Thank you sir, I would like to thank all of my teachers, my friends who helped me along the way, and especially my dear uncle who raised me to become the man I am today.I am happy that at my young age I have acomplished so much already.I would like to thank you all for this great experiance, said Shinji when he decided he needed to get home to read the letter.

**A few minutes later **

"When Shinji got home he went straight to the mail box.

(Shinji opened the letter and smiled)Hey uncle!Remember when I asked who you were and you said if I thought you were a beautiful purple haired woman with huge breasts?

Yeah...kind of, why do you ask?, asked his uncle from the kitchen.

Well I just got a letter from my father and he wants me to go to Tokyo-3, and a beautiful purple haired woman with huge breasts is gonna pick me up.

What?That's impossible, your father's a dick, and I was kidding about that woman thing.

Oh really, then why does this picture have a beautiful purple haired woman with huge breasts in it, Huh?

But you didn't read the letter.Look, it says "Come...cause i'm a dick"

Keep wronging me and I wont show you the picture.

What?!You little bastard!Let me see that.(He takes the letter and picture from Shinji)Holy shit!Those are some huge tits!God yes!

(Shinji takes the picture from his uncle)So, i'm gessing I should go pack now, since i've been summoned by my father.

Yeah...i'm gonna miss you Shinji you've been like a son to me..hell!You are my fucking son, i'm more of a father than that dick sucking bastard(he gives Shinji a bear hug)good bye Shinji I will truly miss you, said his uncle who started to tear.

**A few train rides later **

Dammit Misato why do you have to be so fucking late.I want to get this over with already.

"Shinji was currently at the spot where Misato was going to pick him up.Now Shinji was different than the old Shinji, he no longer had the body of a six year old girl. Shinji knew that in order to attract Rei he needed to look powerful and be brave in all situations like his father(who he hated completely)did.Shinji wore black leather boots, he wore baggy black pants, he wore a black short sleeve t-shirt, he wore a lab coat(science major remember), and black leather gloves, he was ripped for his age in other words he had visible muscles, and his hair style was the same except now he had a ponytail, kind of like Kagi's, he still had his S-DAT, he still has his cello plus a bass guitar(cellos were used in rock songs long ago until they invented the bass guitar that's why Shinji has one, after he left his uncle's house he let his skin turn pale again), his skin resembled Kaoru's seeing as how Kaoru was paler than Rei"

_Dammit Misato_...

**A few blocks away **

Dammit kid were are you, cursed Misato as she looked at his picture.He looks like a good kid,she was looking at a picture that looked like the old Shinji.

**Back to Shinji **

BOOOM!!Sachiel had just steped on the plane he took down.Shinji didn't even flinch he had seen worse things before.SCREEEEECHHHHH!!!

Get in kid!, yelled Misato.

Where the hell were you!

BOOOM!!!

Get in!

Fine!Dammit!

**In Misato's car**

So...you must be Misato Katsuragi.

Yep, and you must be...Shinji Ikari?What the hell?You look really different than your picture.

Yeah yeah, I know,hey are you gonna take me to my father?

Uh, yeah why...Oh no they're gonna use an N2 bomb!(there's diferent kinds of N2 weapons)Get down!, yelled Misato as she covered Shinji with her body.

"Misato couldn't see it but Shinji's eyes turned ruby red and he used his A.T.field to protect the car(Sachiel was there so if the Magi detect an A.T.field they can blame it on the angel, that was one of Shinji's plans when he uses his A.T.field at full power)"

BOOOOMM!!!

...Nothing, huh?Nothing!The car should be at least totalled, said Misato as she got of Shinji who's face was in between her huge boobs.

Mmmmbbmmb.

Wha...oh sorry Shinji.I sometimes underestamate my breast size._Not_.(Misato got out the car and inspected it)Huh, that's odd.My car should at least have some scratches, or dents.(Misato got back in and took out her phone and dialed a number)

Rrriinnngg...rrrriiinngg...rrriiinn.Hello who is this.

It's me Misato prepare a car train for me i'll be at NERV shortly...beep.So Shinji you have the papers with you?

**Back on the road**

Uh...oh yeah...here you go(Shinji hands Misato some forms which she puts in some bag thing)

Thank you...here this the the NERV manual, said Misato as she handed him the book.

How to find your G spot?, said Shinji as he looked at the book.

Oh sorry Shinji ...here this is the manual, said Misato when she took back the book.

How to find your G spot...NERV edition?What the fuck?

Nag nag nag, is that all you can do?, asked Misato pulling into the train.

**Inside NERV somewhere **

Uh huh...so uh when are gonna get there, said Shinji after aimlessly walking around.

Shut up...i'm trying to consentrate here, said Misato looking at the map.

That map's upside down Misato.(The elevator door opens up)

Why must you waste our time captain Katsuragi, said a wet suit wearing Ritsuko pushing Misato back in the elevator with her equally huge boobs.

Well you see...uh um ah...

So...is this him?

Yep..he's the third child as reported by the"Marduk institute".(You should all know by now that the Marduk instetute is fake)

**A few minutes later on some boat **

(Darkness)

It's so dark in here...i've always hated this place, said Misato through the darkness as they got on the bridge.

Turn on the lights!

(Darkness lifts)

Damn that thing's ugly, said Shinji obviously not giving a shit.

A/N:...Yes...


	4. He just went with the flow

**Disclaimer:I do not own NGE.**

**Eva cages **

What?Is that all you think about it, I mean come on it's a damn huge walking android, Ritsuko didn't like how Shinji was reacting to the things that were supposed to be new to him.

Uh...yeah, yeah I do.Why?Was I supposed to scream and fall down saying "What the hell is that?!".

Yeah pretty much so.

Well how about no Scott.

I see you have come, said Gendo's cold voice from above.

Did somebody turn up the A.C. cause' it's freezing in here...damn.

No you imbasil, it is my voice.

Wha...oh hey, what's up.I didn't see you up there, i'm used to looking down when I think about you burning in hell, said Shinji.

We have no time for this, I have called you here because I have use for you.

No shit Sherloc, I saw the fucking monster outside.You thought I came to pick up that ten year overdue child support check you owe me, or what?

(Gendo clears his throat)Uh...I have no idea what you're talking about.

Asshole...

Dammit, we've got no time for this.You are going to pilot that evangelion.

Alright...i'll do it.

If you're not going to pilot remove your self fro...wait what?You'll do it?

Yeah...yeah I am.Why?Was I supposed to say no and force you to convince me by using your evil ruling to force some other unlucky son of a bitch to pilot instead.

Uh...yes, but that's not the point.

Then what is the point?

The point is what I say goes-

Right out the window, interupted Shinji.

Get in the eva.NOW!!

Fine you ice breathing dick.

**A few moments later **

Fill the plug, ordered Ritsuko.

"Basicly Shinji had no idea how to act in these situations.So, he just went with the flow"

Entry plug filled and charged, said Maya.

Start syncronisation...now!, Ritsuko was surprised that Shinji didn't really care that his only source of oxygen was quickly being filled with an unknown substance.Maya what's his sync?

Sync ratio at 42.

**Inside the plug **

_Hello mother._

**Back to the comand center **

What?Impossible!, Maya yelled.

What's impossible?!, commanded Ritsuko.

His sync just sky rocketed.

What level is it!?

It's at a steady 82.

That's wierd...Deploy evangelion unit 01!

Hey that's my line dammit, said Misato who I included here cause' she was staying in the background.

**Outside **

_I'm so pretty oh so pretty, so pretty and witty and gay_, Sachiel was currently singing his ass off in his own unheard language.

(Unit 01 gets of that lift thing)

**Comand center **

Okay Shinji we've got no time to properly train you so you'll be taking a crash course, that means that what I taught now will make you end up crashing, and effectivly destroying innocent lives.Got it.

Uh...okay crazy lady just wait till the men in white coats get here.

(Misato is laughing her ass off)Dammit Shinji i'm not crazy, it's just the pills I take,and because of that i'm not gonna teach you how to pilot that thing.How do you like that you dumb bastard.

Okay...it's your life not mine.

**Back outside **

"Shinji belive it or not had a plan.He was gonna kick Sachiel's ass and eat him so unit 01 would grow an S2 core and be provided with infanite energy"

(Muse's song "Knights of cydonia" plays in the background to add old western fight effect.Why?Cause i'm from Texas bitch!)

"Shinji ran(to everyones surprize)at full speed at Sachiel.He caught his arms and broke them right off and unit 01's mouth restraints opened and it took a huge bite off of Sachiel's shoulder.This continued until Shinji decided that Sachiel was dead and that unit 01 had enough to produce its own S2 core.But don't be confused during his lunch...ah I mean fight he used his A.T.field to put his idea of a partical beam breathing eva in Ritsuko's thoughts"

**A few hours later **

After throwing up(everybody threw up)Misato decided to look at Shinji's housing issues.

Hmm...he's living alone(_Crazy bastard diserves it_),the crazy bastard doesen't diserve it.

**After stupidly interfearing with Shinji's living conditions **

Hey Shinji there you are, I want to tell you something, said Misato after finding the cell Shinji was in(for no reason at all Shinji kicked security guard ass after he got out of his eva).

Sup' Misato.What did you want to tell me?

Well after stupidly interfearing with your living conditions I managed to become your gaurdian.

Cool, when do we leave?

I can leave when ever I want, but you can't coz' you know you're crazy an all.

Dammit, why did I kick their asses.

I donno, but hey look i've got to go make sure all your things get home...bye.

A/N:...Yes...


	5. Strip naked and cover your eyes

**Disclaimer:I do not own NGE.**

**A few hours after Misato's visit **

Okay kid you're free to go home now.(A brave security guard was given the job of releasing Shinji)

Thank you.Now dance for me my slave!Muahahahaha!

Oh my godess!(Yes)

**A few minutes after calling Misato **

Sup' Shinji.Get in.

Finally.Lets go Misato.

(It's been long since Shinji was driven by Misato, so he took his time to quietly enjoy it...)

HOLY SHIT!!!

Oh come on Shinji I don't drive that badly.

**A few deaths later **

See Shinji.I only ran over two old people, five children, seven adults, and eight politicly important men.Here we are, lets buy some food._Getting home Shinji's gonna have a little surprize_, Misato evily thought.

Yeah..whatever.(Shinji was prepared for her "surprize" so he was gonna buy extra things for the future)

**After buying heart attacks on a stick and Shinji's revenge **

(The dynamic duo were currently finishing their "food" if that's what you'll call it.)

Hey Shinji why don't you go ahead and take a hot bath.You look in need of one.

Alright.Where's the restroom?

Cool.Bathroom's on left._Oh hellz yeah!He's gonna do it_, Misato just sat there and waited for the show to begin.

**In restroom after applying first part of revenge**

Ahhhhhhhh!Oh my godess!(Yes I will use this from now on)

**Back in kitchen **

_Here we go it's show time, _Misato thought as she popped open a beer.

(Shinji ran into the kitchen with only his pants on, and it looked like someone had thrown dark red paint on his chest)

Sssspprrffft!Shinji what the fuck happened!

Mm..iss..ato s..some th...th..thing's in the restroom and it's torn to shreds, Shinji said shakily as tears poured down his eyes.

Oh my god Pen-Pen!(Misato ran full speed to the restroom only to see said penguin waddle past her with an unmistakable grin on his beak)

Ah hahahaha!

Wark wark wark wark!

You sons a bitches you're gonna DIE!

Oh shit!

Wark war!

DIE!!(Misato got a little out of control and started shooting anything in sight, luckily Shinji and Pen-Pen had already dashed back to the restroom)

**The next day at NERV **

Okay Shinji all you have to do now is strip naked and cover your eyes, said Ritsuko as she took out a digital camera.

Uh...how about you strip naked and cover yor eyes while I run home and hide, said Shinji as he took out a knife.

That's not fai...

I'm sorry Dr. but an Ikari Shinji is needed by the governor in the commander's office, said a nervous looking Makoto who obviously saw the knife and camera.

Okay...Shinji you're free to go.

Thank you for saving me!

**Outside Gendo's office **

"Shinji was right outside the commander's office.There was a sign reading "**Gendo Ikari's office**".Shinji couldn't help it, he had to, he couldn't stop himself.Shinji walked inside the office who's sign now read "**Gendo Ikari's office**_ of magical rainbows and fun_" which was scratched in with Shinji's knife.

**Inside Gendo's office**

Hey, what's going on?, asked Shinji.

Shinji(If you didn't know, Gendo does call Shinji by his name from time to time)the governor brought an interesting request for you.

Well what is it?

Mr.Ikari i've heard you've been through college, is that correct?, said the grining chunky man.

Yes it is correct.Why do you ask?(Now remember that this has never happened to Shinji before)

You are required to go to school in this city, but since you have already been trough it i've come here with a request.

May I ask what is it?

I want you to prove you can keep your diploma by going to school for a few months.

Uh...alright.What do you want me to do there?

I want you to get straight A's in everything, gym excluded because that doesn't prove your intellegence.

Sign me up then!

Good, you'll be entering in a few weeks.

Woah, why that long?

Apperantly eight of our members were run over by some sort of political murderer.

Wow, Misato did screw up this time.

What was that, pilot, commanded Gendo.

Uh...nothing.

Do you have any information on this?, asked the hopeful governor guy.

Nope, sorry.Hey why don't we start on the paper work.

A/N:...Yes...


	6. Suck my balls

**Disclaimer:I do not own NGE.**

**A few days before school **

Shit!Those damn cops won't stop chasing me!, said Misato as she stepped on the gas...again.

Misato was currently being chased by cops for something(which you'll eventually find out later)she claims not to have done.She also had Shinji tied up in the trunk.

Hey bitches see this!(Misato flicks them off)You'll never catch me!Ha ha!(Misato's car suddenly somehow goes right through a fence that the cops unfortunately crashed in,I say unfortunately because after pulling the ghost car stunt Misato ran over a few innocent people...again).

**At the mall**

So Shinji ready to get your school uniform?

_Cough cough_ Bitch!Why the hell did you tie me up?!, said Shinji after being freed.And why did you put pictures of naked people in my face!

That was for an experiment.I wanted to see if you liked older women or younger women your age.

THEY WERE PICTURES OF GUYS DAMMIT!!

Whoops.I guess I put the wrong pictures in your face.But I wonder who I gave the other pictures to?

**In NERV headquarters**

Maya:_Why the hell did captain Katsuragi tie me up?And why did she put pictures of naked women in my face?Even if **they are **a bit hot._

**Back at the mall**

Ahh who cares.They probably won't have any significant effect that will end his or her life in the future.

So why did you bring me here, said Shinji who obviously didn't hear her the first time.

Wha...oh.We came to buy your school uniforms...for school.

Why?What's wrong with my clothes?

What's wrong with you're clothes?Oh nothing, i'm sure they'll still give you a decent education looking like a FREAK!You freaky freaky FREAK!

Fine purple crotch, but i'm only changing my shirt.

Alright but you gotta take off that white make up, it makes you look like some gay ass albino kid who's name should be Kaoru.

This ain't make up, and Kaoru's not gay he loves all of humanity.

That's not make up?And Kaoru's a real person?Damn that kid's life must suck, maybe I should run him over and end it?

What?No!I mean!You know what just go buy my shirts so we can get out of here.Besides the police could show up any minute now.

Oh shit, I forgot about the cops.Tiny bastards wouldn't stop chasing me.

Why were the police chasing you?

I donno.Somethin' about mass murdering or something like that.

Damn.You're a mass murderer.

Well at least I ain't some freaky freak.

You know what Misato,You can kiss my ass.

Well you know what Shinji, you suck my balls.

Eeeewww.That's disgusting you hermaphrodite.

That came out wrong...just ignore it.

Wow, wait till the commander hears about this.

AN:...Yes...


	7. Suck it hard!

**Disclaimer:I do not own NGE.**

**In class that morning**

I wonder where everyone is.I can't possibly be that early?Right?

"Shinji was finally in school again, ready to make his friends again.But unfortunatly he somehow got to school a bit to early(The clock read 4:03)"

**Three hours later**

_Finally they came.Why are the girls looking at me like that?Why is that guy looking at me like that?...shit._

Rise, Bow, Sit, ordered Hikari not noticing Shinji who was desprately looking for an escape from being eye candy for all the girls.

Miss Horaki i've told you thousands of times that you don't and shouldn't do that every morning.Our generation just doesn't like to do that anymore, said their boring ass teacher.

Yes sir.I'll stop saying that from now on, said Hikari after being put down like that in class.

Ahh lets see here...here it is, but where's...oh in the corner there.(Clears throat)Would a Mr.Ikari Shinji please stand up front, said the teacher(I don't know this bitch's name).

_Dammit._

**Up front**

My name is Shinji Ikari, I like to play bass and the cello.

Very good Mr.Ikari.Please tell us what you think of our school.

Well I can't really say anything yet.(_I hate it_!)I guess I can't judge until i'm here longer.I just hope the subject in this class doesn't repeat over and over.

Ahem...thank you, you are very polite.Now, do you have any more to tell us about your self?

Yeah, a little bit.

Go ahead.

Alright.I'm pretty nice and kind to people, but if any of you tiny bitches bothers me i'm gonna kick your asses.Understand.

Eveyone in the room:YES SIR!

**Before lunch time**

Beep...Hmm I got a message.Click.

"Are you the eva pilot?"

_Not this shit again_.

"Yes dammit why the fuck do you care...assholes."

Everyone in the room:Holy shit he is!

**After school**

Damn questions.They sucked last time and they suck now.

Hey...new kid, Toji had the balls to say.

What do you want Toj...I mean dude.

I got something to say to you.

Then say it.

It's your fault my sister is in the hospital.

Why the hell is it my fault?

A pan hit her on the head this morning and now she's in the hospital.

How the fuck's that my fault?!

I...it's...dammit Kensuke help out here.

Hell no, he didn't do anything to your sister, and i'm not getting my ass kicked just cause you're deranged and stupid, said Kensuke after coming out of the background and drifting back in.

Hey Toji, Kensuke.

T:What?

K:Yes sir.

How would you like to be my friends from now on.

T:I don't know.

K:Alright.

I you don't, i'll hang you up by your testicles until they turn black and fall off.

Both:I have plans for those dammit.

Both:Okay Shinji we'll be your friends.

(Angel alarm sounds)

**On top of shelter roof a while later**

Yes, we're gonna get to see the fight.

**In unit 01**

Okay Misato I understand the plan, Shinji told Misato.

**Outside**

_I wonder how Sachiel got killed.He was probably mindlessly walking around.Serves him right i'll never forgive him for saying I look like a penis._

**Command center**

Alright Shinji attack it now that it's mindlessly walking around(_That thing looks like a penis)_and don't forget the plan, said Misato.

**In unit 01**

Alright Misato, you want me to shoot the giant purple dick, or stab it?

**Command center**

Suck it hard!Ah!I mean shoot it!

**In unit 01**

Misato you've got to stop watching gay porn, it's messing with your brain.

**Command center**

Don't censor me boy.I'm old enough to watch what I want when I want.You know what fuck this, said Misato as she left the room.

**Outside where the battle is finally about to start**

Hmm...The link got cut off.Oh well better kick that angels ass.

("Worlds collide"by Powerman 5000 plays in the background)

"Shinji made his way to the angel and kicked his ass, but the angel attacked back"

Hmm...I should've killed it instead of literally kicking his ass.

Shinji decided to stab the shit out of it, and stab the shit out of it he did.Until it blew up.

**On top of shelter roof**

Did you see that!I caught it all on tape and I...(A piece of the angel's armor flies strait into the camera succesfully breaking it)NOOOOOOO!!!!!!

A/N:...Yes...


	8. All Rei did was gasp and pass out

**Disclaimer:I do not own NGE.**

**NERV escalaters**

So...Misato, where we going?, said Shinji who was being dragged around by Misato.

Wha...Oh, sorry Shinji I was mindlessly walking around, said Misato who snapped out of her current stuper.

Yeah whatever, now tell me where we're going.

I'm taking you to see the first child.

Really?(_Finally!I've been waiting for so long_), Shinji could barely hide his excitement.

Yep.

**NERV hospital**

Hey Rei, how ya doin'?

Captain Katsuragi.

I brought the third child to see you.

Third child?

Yep, he's waiting outside.Would it be okay for him to see you?

Yes.

**Outside Rei's room**

Hey Shinji come in here.

Alright Misato.(Shinji almost ran inside)

**Back inside**

Rei, this is the Third child...Shinji Ikari, said Misato not knowing how Rei might react.

He...he looks like him, said Rei quietly to herself, unfortunatly Misato heard.

He looks like who Rei?

Nobody captain.

Uh huh.So now i'm nobody.I guess I should've never made a promise to come back, huh Rei.

"All Rei did is gasp and pass out."

Shinji...how'd you do that?

**Meanwhile in Ritsuko's office**

Maya, i've been getting some strange plans in my head.

Plans for what doctor?

I've been thinking about installing a particle beam cannon in unit 01's mouth compartment.

But won't that melt the mouth every time it is fired?

Not with the metal that is being used on the prototype positron rifle.

But to build that on to the eva, won't you have to remove it's current armor, and make serious changes to the head part of the eva?

Yes that's the problem.Just doing that will get me into big trouble and waste a lot of money over nothing.

What we need is for unit 01 to be seriously damaged somehow.

Yes, but Shinji always manages to beat the shit out of the angel every time.

Dammit, I guess we'll just have to get lucky.

**A few minutes later in the hospital**

WAKE THE FUCK UUUUPP!!!!!!!, yeled Misato in hope of waking up Rei.

Wha...what happened, asked Rei in her quiet voice.(Remember Rei's voice is always quiet **always**)

Rei, i'm back and i'm staying, said Shinji in a happy tone.

"Misato who was in the background with a huge WTF? sign on her head was wondering what the fuck was happening, also why there was a sign on her head."

Shinji what the fuck is happening?, said Misato after she took off the WTF? sign off her head.

I'll tell you lat...

(Angel alarm sounds)

A/N:...Yes...


	9. Shamshell's body looked like a penis

**Disclaimer:I do not own NGE.**

**In unit 01**

I'm gonna stick my foot up your ass!, yelled Shinji.

**Command center**

Shinji calm down!, said Misato through the link.I don't know why you want to stick your foot up its ass, but control your self.

**Unit 01**

Fine.

"Shinji finally remembered that he needed Ramiel's particle beam to damage unit 01 in order for Ritsuko to up-grade it"

Perfect...

**Next to Ritsuko**

Pssst...pssst...Dr.Akagi, whispered Maya.

What is it Maya what do you need, replied Ritsuko.

Doctor, if the angel manages to damage unit 01 maybe we can up-grade it like you wanted.

Hmmmnn...you're right.**If** it damages unit 01, remember that.

**Unit 00**

Sh...Shinji?Was that your name?, said Rei through the link to unit 01.

Yes Rei that's my name, replied Shinji.

**Command center**

Okay guys we don't know what this thing can do so don't stupidly run at it.Understand Shinji, said Misato trying to stop Shinji(She had a feeling he would try it)from doing what she told him not to do.

**Outside**

_Why the hell am I a fucking diamond.I mean Sachiel's body kicked ass, and Shamshell's body looked like a penis but no they give me a huge diamond as a body.Just cause' i'm pissed I think i'm gonna shoot that purple thing that's stupidly runing at me_, said Ramiel as he charged his shot.

**Command center**

Shinji what the hell!What did I just tell you damn it!

**Unit 01**

(Gnarls Barkley:Crazy, played in background)

Yeah yeah Misato I know what you said, but frankly I don't give a shit.

**Unit 00**

_Where is that music coming from?Can't anyone else hear it?_, Rei thought to herself. _Maybe I'm crazy..._

**Unit 666**

Benjamin Disraeli:You don't even know who I am.

**Back to the Eva universe**

BOOOM!

"Ramiel's gay diamond shaped body was no where to be seen, but what was seen was unit 01's fucked up body...if you can call it a body at all"

**Command center**

Everyone:Oh my Godess!

**Unit 00**

"Rei wanted to throw up at the gruesome sight...she was watching the movie Not Another Teen Movie on her screen instead of watching the battle"

_I wonder what ends up happening to Reggie Ray?Why does Janie masturbate to that movie?That Italian girl wears the same thing I wear sometimes.Why is Jake's family so messed up?I want Shinji to dress like a banana split for me...Why am I watching this instead of the battle?_

"Rei flipped a switch and the screen switched to the battle's end"

"Rei wanted to throw up at the gruesome sight...Shinji's eva was a melted mess on metal, bone, and blood"

(Rei threw up)

**Command center**

YES!, FINALLY!, yelled Ritsuko in joy.

Fuck are you cheering for dammit?, said Misato after throwing up.

...Shit...nothing, nothing at all.

Hurry up and send a rescue team dammit.We can't waste anymore time.

Fine...party pooper.

What was that!

Nothing, Whoresato(Yes I copied this, SO FUCKING WHAT!!!?).

You...blonde bimbo...MUST DIE!!!

(Shit load of gun shot sounds)

**A few fatalities, or hours whichever later**

So did you send the rescue team yet?, asked Misato after patching up her platipuss wounds.(Don't ask how a platipuss made its way from its natural habitat to Tokyo-3 to fight Misato it just did)

Uh oh, said Ritsuko remembering she forgot to remember not to forget to remember to not forget to remember to send the rescue team.(I could've kept on going for hours)

Dammit Ritsuko, you suck.

A/N:...Yes...


	10. Will I be able to fuck again

**I do not own NGE.**

A/N:Did you know the word "woman" means "under man" that's not true you say, well it is, the word "wo" in woman means under, or lower.The term "woman" was invented when men were great and powerful, but now men aren't any better than the average stump.But!I'm not bashing men, so girls wipe that smile off your face cause' every time you say "I'm proud to be a woman!" you're actually saying "I'm proud to be under a man!" let's just keep quiet on what you're doing under that man...you dirty slut...

**Outside at battle sight**

Ocean 1 to ocean 2, I repeat ocean 1 to ocean 2, do you copy, I have a big problem here, said a rescue team member.

Ocean 2 here.What's the problem.

I have visual on the entry plug.

That's a good thing.

No...no it's not.

What?How could that be a bad thing?

It is when the entry plug is completely torn to shreds and covered in blood...

Oh my god...we...we have to find the third child...before it's to late.

I'll alert the others.(Ocean 1 contacts the other oceans and tells them to look for Shinji's body)

**Three hours later**

Ocean 6 to ocean 1, I have found the third.

What's his condition.

He seems to be okay.

Okay?

Yes he seems externaly well.

Good, quickly take him to Dr.Akagi...she'll take care of him.

What the hell is this?A crappy fanfic?What's with all the seriousness, said Ocean 666.

**NERV infermary minutes later**

Give it to me straight doctor...will I be able to fuck again.

Shinji for the last time dammit, you're fine, and you're still a virgin.

Now that i'm back with Rei, I wont be for much longer.

If the commander hears that you'll probably lose your virginity to a mexican donkey.

**Commander's office**

Ikari.

Yes Fuyutsuki.

Kaji is almost here, he is traveling with the second child.

Is that all Fuyutsuki, I have to go back to masterbating to Joe Satriani:Top gun theme.

Ah...okay...you crazy bastard.

**NERV infermary**

Shinji!You're okay!, yelled Misato as she buried his face between her huge bare breasts.(she was wearing a hospital gown and it fell off)

Misato!You're naked!, Ritsuko yelled.

Oh shit!, Misato quickly put on the gown, but forgot Shinji was still stuck on her boobs, which resulted in Shinji being even more stuck on her boobs.

Misato, Shinji is still in there!

Hmmnn...I kind of like it how he struggles for breath, it tickles my breasts.

You child molester, you should be arrested.

But it fe-(White liquid starts runing down MIsato's legs)Uh oh.

My god!You just orgasm'd!To a kid!

It's not what it looks like Rits, really!(By this time Shinji's body had already grown limp)

Misato!Shinji's not moving!

What!Oh shit!(Misato pulls Shinji out of her gown which fell down again, and started giving him mouth to mouth, while Ritsuko sat on his chest to give him CPR)

**En route to Shinji's room**

I still don't understand why I have to go see him Fuyutsuki.

He's your son Ikari, the least you could do is visit him.

Alright, but if he attacks me it's gonna be your fau-(Gendo's words stopped dead when he saw a naked Misato kissing his son while Ritsuko was sitting on his chest giving Shinji free show(remember Ritsuko always wears skirts)

Oh my god!They're having relations with your son Ikari!

No shit Fuyutsuki.(Fuyutsuki had a heart attack, and Gendo passed out)

**Hours later after explaining what happened**

Oh man, I can't believe he let us off easy, said Misato (fully clothed)

I know right, I thought he would kill us himself, said Ritsuko (wearing pants)

I also can't believe the commander let me off easy as well.

Misato:Rei!

Ritsuko:Rei!

Yes.

What the hell are you talking about?, asked Misato.

After you left I entered Shinji's room and we started kissing.

Okay...i'm sure that the commander would've shot Shinji if that was true, said Ritsuko.

You're right, he would've killed Shinji...if he had known what we did that is.

Oh, you sneaky little bitch.

Come on Misato she's not a bitch for making out with Shinji behind the commander's back.

Yes she is.

**A few hours later**

Captain Katsuragi you have a messege, said a worthless pawn.

Thank you worthless pawn, i'll read it later, said Misato who was about to head home.

**Katsuragi residence**

So Misato...what's that letter about?, asked Shinji who just finished making dinner.

What letter Shinji?

The one that's taped to your forehead dumbass.

Oh...that letter...lets see here(Misato opens the letter)'Katsuragi Misato, you and ward are to stay at the battleship "Over the rainbow".You will acompany it until it docks.You will go in 3 weeks.',said Misato finishing the letter.

_What the hell?Aren't we suppossed to fight the J.A. robot first?Maybe the meeting was delayed, or something_, Shinji was confused about the event mix up, but as he has said before...he doesn't give a shit.

So what do you think Shinji?Should we go.

Sure why not, but can I take two of my friends.

Yeah, those guards should know not to mess with you.

**Three weeks later**

Wow Shinji!I can't believe you brought us with you!, said Toji.

I can't believe you kicked the pilot's ass just so we could come, said Kensuke who started tearing.

And I can't believe it's not butter, but i'm keeping it to myself, said Shinji in an effort to shut them up.

Hey boys aren't you gonna compliment my huge breasts, said Misato who hated the lack of attention towards her.

Toji:Oh yeah!

Kensuke:Yes ma'am!

Shinji:They're fake...

**Aboard Over the Rainbow**

Ah...oh my godess!Th...this is a **real** battleship!Oh yes!, yelled Kensuke in joy.

Calm down bitch, don't ruin my day just yet.I brought my lucky cap today, Toji as he placed a black baseball cap on his head, which got blown away.

Ah!My cap!(Toji chased it until a foot smashed the cap onto the floor)What the hell's your problem, Toji asked angrily.

Who do you think your talking to, said Asuka Langley Sohryu herself.A normal girl?

What's so special about you?

What's so special?I'm Asuka Langley Sohryu, the greatest Evangelion pilot ever, that's what's so special.

Greatest Evangelion pilot?You must be joking.Shinji there(points at Shinji)is the best of the best.

Huh?(looks at Shinji)That guy?What's he supposed to be...a freak?

Nope, that's just the way he looks.

That's wierd...Hey Misato!(directs herself at Misato)

Hey Asuka!You look like a mature woman now.

Thanks.If you haven't noticed yet, my figure really filled out too.

Yes i-

(wind blows Asuka's dress up, Shinji was smart enough to quickly turn around and face Misato)

Meinn gott!

Asuka!(Misato noticed Asuka wasn't wearing any panties and that she shaved)

SLAP!!!

Ow!What was that for?!, yelled Toji who along with Kensuke recieved a slap.

Viewing fee.

It's a little over priced don't ya think.

Nope, not at all.

Hey, said Kensuke.Why didn't you slap Shinji too?

Because he turned around before my dress flew up, and because he looks like he'd probobly kick my ass if I hit him for no reason.

Hey Asuka, Toji spoke up.

What?

Here's your tip.

Wha-

(Toji pulls down his pants)

Oh my god!

Toji!, yelled Misato.

(Toji had accidentaly pulled down his under wear too, he also had an erection due to the earlier view...let's just say Toji is well endowed)

Holy shit, you're huge!, yelled Asuka.

GRAB!!I mean SLAP!!

"Toji lay on the floor with two slap marks"

**Control center**

Captain Katsuragi, is it?, said the ship's commander.

Yes sir, it is.

Why are you here?

I am here to escort the second child, and Evangelion unit 02.

Is that all.

In the event of an angel attack I will take command.

What!Nobody commands my ship, other than me!Besides if an angel does attack, my ships will be more than able to take it down.

Uh huh...what ever.

**Mess hall a few minutes later**

That damn captain, said Misato who drank her beer faster than saying Gendo's gay to the commander's face and live for three seconds..

Come on Misato, it's not his fault, said Shinji.He's old.

Good point.

(Kaji enters)

Kaji!, yelled Asuka who jumped on Kaji.

Kaji!, yelled Misato who took out her gun.

Hey Katsuragi, how are you, said Kaji after throwing Asuka off and sitting down.

Not as bad as you look.

Aw, that's not nice.

Too bad.

So...you're taking care of the third child?

Yeah why?

So that's him there, asked Kaji pointing at Shinji.

Yeah why!?

Hey Shinji, said Kaji as he directed himself to Shinji.

Hi, said Shinji who knew what was coming.

So Shinji...is Misato still wild in bed?

(Everyone except Shinji and Kaji gets surprised)

Not as wild as your momma.

(Everyone except Shinji and Kaji starts laughing their asses off)

You bastard!, yelled Kaji.

You suck man, spits or swallows huh?, said Shinji.

Die!, Yelled Kaji again as he jumped on Shinji.

Aw man, you do suck, but not as good as your momma.

**Eva containment room**

Hey Shinji!

Why the hell does everyone all ways scream my name.

This, said Asuka..Is evangelion unit 02, the world's first real evangelion.The other two evas are only prototypes, but this one is made for actual battle.

So-

(Battle ship trembles horribly ,and cannon shots are heard)

Is that an angel?!, Asuka nervously asked.

Yep.

A real angel...It's time to prove myself!

Uh huh.

Hurry and get into my spare plug suit.

Hell no.

Why not.

Cause' that's gay.

So, who cares.

I do.

Come on.

We're wasting too much time.

Then put it on.

I'm going in alone.(Shinji climbs into unit 02)

**In unit 02**

Hello Kyoko.

(evas eyes light up and it springs to life)

**Outside**

_Huh...I wonder why we never attack as a group.Why do we always have to attack as one.We always get killed.Oh wel-_(grumbling noice)_Hmmnn it seems i'm hungry...might as well eat that red thing that's jumping on the ships effectively killing everyone on board, _wondered Gaghiel.

**Ship's command center**

Captain I will take command, said Misato.

Hell no!My ships are doing a fine job.

Uh...the angel is destroying the ships, and unit 02 is doing its fair share of damage.

All I see is that my ships are winning, said the captain.

Captain we just lost all the ships full of people!!, yelled some homo sailor guy.

God dammit homo sailor guy!Why?!WHYYY!!!!????

**Unit 02**

Asuka can you hear me, asked Misato through the link.

Asuka's not here Misato.

Shinji?Where's Asuka?

In hell where she belongs.

You killed her!

No.

Dammit.

What was that?

Nothing bad.

Yeah, Misato i'm gonna have to disconnenct you cause' I need to consentrate.

Oka-

**Outside**

"Shinji was closing in on the angel, but the angel jumped out of the water and opened it's huge jaws"

Oh shit!

SLICE!!BOOM!!

(Shinji sliced through the angel with the prog knife)

Damn that was close, said Shinji.

**Meanwhile**

So mister Kaji, you want fly you to Tokyo-3?

Yep.

Why?

Cause' I don't want to die bitch!

Good point.

**The next day at school**

Hey Shinji, said Toji.

Sup Toji?

Good thing we'll never have to see that bitch again huh.

Uh..Toji...actually she-

Hello everyone!, yelled Asuka as she busted through the door.

Dammit!, yelled Toji.

Hey Shinji!, yelled Asuka.

"By now Rei had returned to school, and was pissed that a stranger was talking to Shinji as though she knew him for a long time"

Hello, interupted Rei.

Who are you?, asked Asuka.

I am the first child(no not "children" it's child)Ayanami Rei, said Rei in her quiet voice.

Really?I'm the second child Langley Sohryu Asuka!, announced Asuka out loud.

How do you know Shinji.

I met him on a ship that was bringing me and my eva.Why?Does it bother you.Do you secretly love him, teased Asuka who didn't know the truth.

No I do not secretly love him...I openly love him.

What??

He is my boyfriend, Rei simply stated.

I didn't know that.Why didn't you tell me Shinji!

I shouldn't have to that's why, said Shinji.

You asshole!

You nosey whore.

Second child, leave Shinji alone, and Shinji leave the second alone.

Hey Rei want to know something?, asked Asuka with an evil grin on her face.

Okay..

Me and Shinji had hot, wet, nasty, underaged sex on our trip back to Tokyo-3!, yelled Asuka so that **everyone** could hear.

Sh...Shinji is that true?, asked Rei with tears in her eyes.

You know it's not, answered Shinji.

Alright, said Rei who instantly regained her composture.

**Katsuragi's residence after school**

Misato, i'm home, said Shinji as he walked through the door.

Hi Shinji, you're just in time to help me unpack, said Asuka.

I don't think so.(he thought he saw a bio-hazard sign on one of the boxes)

Why aren't you surprised i'm in your house?

Nope.

Why not?

Let's just say I kind of predicted it.

A/N:...Yes...


	11. Teach me

**Disclaimer:I do not own NGE.**

**Katsuragi residence**

So you predicted it?, asked Asuka.

After hard painfull years of horrible terrefiyng experiances, I somehow, magiclly became angsty and mean, and became a good guesser.That's why I don't care if a total bitch lives with m-_Wait!She's not supposed to be here now.She's sopposed to come after the seventh angel...this world is so messed up..._-I gotta go.

**NERV command center a few minutes later**

Are you **sure** that there's no sign of an angel?, Shinji asked maya.

Sorry Shinji, but there's no sig-

(Angel alarm sounds)

Blood type blue!It's an angel!, yelled Makoto from his station.

Shinji how di-, Maya didn't get to finish her sentence as Shinji had already left to find Ritsuko.

**Ritsuko's office**

Dr.Akagi!Are the repairs on my eva ready!, yelled Shinji as he entered.

Shinji?Yes, it's already been taken to the cages.Hurry up and go, the angel's getting closer to the city.I'll tell you the new controls through the com.link.

Thanks Dr., said Shinji as he made mad dash toward the cages.

**Eva cages**

Holy shit!

"Yes unit 01 has new armor and abilities, it's nothing stupid or annoying, I promise"

Unit 01?You look fucking awsome!, exclamated Shinji as he saw his eva.

"Unit 01's color is what surprised Shinji.Everything purple was now black, everything light purple was now green, and everything orange(besides the formaly present green)was now grey"

Shinji wait!, yelled Ritsuko as she caught up to him.You need the new plug suit.

New plug suit?Why a new plug suit?

It's new material will help you sync.better.Here, said Ritsuko as she gave him his new plug suit.

Wow!This looks awsome!Thanks Dr.Akagi.

No problem Shinji.Just promise to win okay.

Okay, said Shinji as he put on his new colored plug suit which now matched his eva.Everything blue was now black, everything formaly black was now green, everything white was now grey, and the thin red collar was now black.

**Currently outside**

_Dude I look fucking cool!I mean look at me, I look like shiny new blade!I just hope nothing damages my body by cutting it in half_, thought Israfel to herself.

**Inside unit 01**

I took some time getting ready.I hope Asuka hasn't damaged the angel's body by cutting it in half.

**Outside**

Alright angel!I'm gonna damage your body by cutting it in half!, yelled Asuka as she did just that.

**Command center**

Asuka we still need more info on it so don't harm it in any way, said Misato.

**Back outside**

-SLICE-

Yeah!Take that asshole!You s-

-Regenerating sound?-

Aw shit...

-BOOM-

"Kou(orange half)and Otsu(brownish-silver half)blew Asuka up and then it got blown up by an N2 mine"

**Back at eva cages a few minutes later**

Asuka what the fuck!I told you not to harm it in any way, said Misato clearly pissed.

Sorry Misato, but I-

But nothing!Because of what you did now there's two angels instead of only one.Now it's gonna be harder to beat, and we got like only a weak or so to make a completely useless plan to try and defeat it.

It will be easy...just leave it to me, said Shinji.With my improved eva I can beat it on own.

Yeah but you still need to learn the new controls, said Ritsuko coming into the conversation.

I trust you Shinji, said Rei's quiet voice from the doorway.

Alright then Dr.Akagi...teach me...

A/N:...Yes...


	12. Hey assholes it's all about me!

**Disclaimer:I do not own NGE.**

**2 hours after training started **

Well...we're done, said Ritsuko who was...well...surprised.

We're finished?Already!This was supposed to take a whole fucking week!, yelled Shinji who now had a whole actionless week to look foward to.

Yeah I can't believe it would only take two hours.

What the hell am I supposed to do now.

I don't know...go outside and play or something.

Man, you really suck.Why do you even have this job?You should've been fired.

It might be because like Misato I also have big breasts.

You're right, Misato's more retarded than a brain dead monkey...I guess i'll go home now, since there's nothing to do anymore, said Shinji as he headed out of the little training center thing.

**Back at home**

You're home already?Did you give up, said Misato from the couch.

No, I already finished.

What!That training was supposed to take a whole week!

I know, but all I had to learn were a few seperate buttons.

So what are you gonna do now?

I'm gonna go get some sleep.It's already late anyway.

**The next day in Shinji's room**

Shinji!Wake up!, yelled Misato.

Wha...why?

The J.A. decided to attack us with an atomic powered robot!

What!They're attacking us!Why!, yelled Shinji who didn't think the J.A. would attack.

They think that they're robot is stronger than an eva.So we need you to show them just how powerful an eva is, said Misato with a grin.

**Outside a few minutes later**

_Bzzzt bzzzzt bzz- what the fuck am I buzing about?I shouldn't even be able to talk, i'm a fucking atomic powered robot!_, thought the J.A. robot to itself.

**In unit 01**

Finally I get some action.

**Command center**

Alright Shinji.It's very clear to me now, that you'll never do anything I say.So just do what ever you want, said Misato who didn't even bother to recognize the actual danger.

**Outside**

"Unit 01 takes a big breath that causes it's face to look upward"(think of Godzilla for this sene)

**Command center**

What the hell is it doing?, asked Shigeru.

**Outside again**

"Unit 01's mouth restraints pop open and it swings its head foward releasing a powerful looking yellow, orange beam straight into the J.A. robot, turning it into dust"

**Command center**

Wow...that...fucking rocked!, yelled Shigeru.

Is that the only thing unit 01 can do?, asked Misato.

Nope.It still has a lot more, said Ritsuko.

I doubt it.

What do you mean you 'doubt it'.

Well, how much is he gonna learn in two hours.Not that much if you ask me.

Well it's not about you Misato, it's about me!, yelled Asuka from out of somwhere.

Asuka go fuck yourself where ever you are!, yelled Misato.

Hey assholes, it's all about me!, yelled Shinji through the link.

**Meanwhile, in the NARUTO universe**

Mmpf...umpf..'slirp'.

Ah, Sakura.Granny Tsunade taught you REALLY well, said Naruto with a happy grin.

'slirp' Thanks Naruto.I do my best, said Sakura with her mouth, and hands covered with baby batter.

I can't believe how good this is!Granny Tsunade sure is a whore, believe it!

This is what you get when the price is right.

Did any of you think that maybe I was horny too, said Sasuke with an angry frown.

Sorry Sasuke but you don't pay me enough, said Naruto.

Dumbass!He was talking to me!, said Sakura who stopped doing her 'job'.

What!But i'm so cute!, said Naruto.

But i'm a GIRL!, yelled Sakura.

Bitch!I was talking to him!, yelled Sasuke who turned around to leave.

**Back to eva universe**

Did everything just taste 'gay' for a second there?, asked Makoto.

Yeah, I think it did, said Shigeru who along with Makoto went to wash their mouths.

A/N:Wow...this was wierd.I guess NARUTO lovers are gonna hate me now.But, don't get confused, I do like the NARUTO anime.


End file.
